TIPS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE

My husband and I celebrated another wedding anniversary some weeks ago. After the yearly celebration was over, we ended the night talking about the past. I realized that despite the ups and downs, it's been a wonderful marriage, so far. We are still very much in love and have found a new and deeper appreciation for each other. Let me share a few things I've learned about staying happily and wonderfully married.

1. It's okay to sleep even if you haven't settled an argument.
You often hear this advice during weddings: "Don't go to bed angry at each other." That advice doesn't necessarily work all the time. If getting some shut-eye will help both of you gain some perspective, go ahead, sleep. It's better to stay away from each other, rather than say a lot of nasty things you don't really mean. Remember, those nasty things are hard to take back when the argument is over.

2. It's important to marry a guy that will not only be a good husband, but he should also be a good father to your children.
A good husband and a good father do not always come in one package. It's difficult to predict how a guy will turn out, but there will always be tell-tale signs. Open your eyes and be objective when choosing a guy to marry, no matter how difficult it might be. Trust me, it will be worth it. Once you see your almost perfect husband treat your children well, you will fall in love with him all over again.

3. Marry your bestfriend
You won't always be consistently in love with your partner 24/7, year after year. Nothing to be alarmed about. It's perfectly normal to love him 150% today and just 15% the following week after being married for a while. During the times when the love meter is low, it will be your friendship that will see you through till the next fill up. I'm not saying that you should only marry someone from your existing circle of friends, but when you marry a guy, he should also be the one person you can pour your heart out to and be there for you no matter what - a best friend.

4. Compromise is the key to a harmonious relationship.
You can't expect two individuals who did not grow up under the same roof to live harmoniously without compromising. If you don't give in sometimes, your marriage won't pan out.

5. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.

6. It's okay to say "I'm sorry" even if it's not your fault.
Sometimes your partner gets very emotional because he feels that you don't understand where he is coming from. Saying "I'm sorry" will help calm him down and eventualy enable him to gain some perspective. Once he sees that you understand how he feels, he will be more open to hear your side.

7. From time to time, reminisce about how you met and fell in love.
After the honeymoon is over and real life sets in, it's easy to lose sight of what made you marry each other. Reminiscing about the past helps you remember the wonderful beginnings of your relationship.

8. Love his parents. He will love you more.

9. Lust is just as important as love.
Here's the truth. The one thing that you have with your partner that neither of you share with anybody else is sex. Love will take you through the tough times, while sex is, well, fun. Do some role playing or rent costumes. Do whatever floats your boat to keep the passion going. Sex deepens the bond that you already have with your partner.

HOW TO PICK THE RIGHT HUSBAND

Many many years ago, somebody told me that when choosing a husband, I should pick a guy who loves me more than I love him. Why? She says that a man's love naturally loses its intensity over time, while a woman's love deepens when the kids come along and the years roll by. Eventually, the love between the husband and his wife will become equal - a prerequisite for a long-lasting marriage.

Something to think about. Or talk about over a hot cup of coffee.

SHOULD YOU LIVE WITH YOUR IN-LAWS?

Should I live with my in-laws? That's a question that soon-to-be married people often ask themselves. There are numerous reasons why one would consider saying yes to sharing a house with their in-laws. The most common reason is dictated by the need for a newly-married couple to save enough money to build or move into their own home. Others move back into their in-laws' home when they start having children. After all, who else can you trust with your children when you are away at work, but the grandparents.


Here's the deal. Please exhaust all means before you decide to move in with your in-laws. This is not to say that in-laws can not have a close and loving relationship with each other. In fact, you should cultivate a harmonius relationship with your partner's parents. But you must remember that moving into someone else's home means adapting to the way they live. It also means being subjected to the same rules that apply to the children of that household. The only difference is that the natural son or daughter grew up with those rules and is probably used to them by now or has found a way to deal with them. But it will be very difficult for a daughter-in-law, for example, to accept and abide by those rules because she grew up with a totally different set of rules. C'mon, even siblings have their own misunderstandings and they grew up under one roof! Even you have arguments with your own parents and you were raised by them! And when you have a misunderstanding with your parents or siblings, your love for each other willl make you forget the nasty things that you said or did to each other. But you don't have that same love going for you with your in-laws. To be frank, it was your husband or wife who chose you, not the family. It's crazy to expect your partner's family to love you the way he or she does. Your love is unique, that's why you're getting married or are already married, in the first place.

If it's absolutely necessary or unavoidable to live with in-laws, it seems that a husband living with his wife's parents works best. I can only guess why that is true in most cases. Maybe because guys are less sensitive? A friend says that there can only be one queen in the house. She has a point.

I'm not saying that living with your in-laws will surely end up into one big mess. It could work and if it does, you'll have 2 more people loving you. But why risk it?

ARGUMENTS: SHOULD YOU TELL YOUR PARENTS?

Whenever you have an argument with your husband, you will sometimes feel tempted to tell your parents about it. After all, who else can you turn to when life isn't so rosy, but your parents. You know that you have a 99% chance that Mom and/or Dad will take your side.

I've seen a lot of wives who've had a row with their husbands (and vise versa), go back to their parents house to ride out an argument. But often, when the argument is not earth-shaking enough, the couple settles their problems and the runaway spouse moves back into the conjugal home.

So, what's wrong with telling your parents about the fight? Yes, you will feel good when you surround yourself with people who will listen and agree with you that your spouse is wrong and you are right. But what happens when you've kissed and made up? Your love for your husband (or wife) will make you forget (or mask) about what happened, but your parents' love for you will only magnify his shortcomings. Get the picture?

Want to know my thoughts about a relationship issue? Send me an e-mail at hookedandhitched@gmail.com.

I did!

8 years ago, I was a blushing young bride, full of love and hope for the future. I heard all the advice and cliches about marriage, some were good, most were bad. I didn't care. My guy and I are different, I assured myself. I was old enough to know that no marriage runs smoothly, but I prided myself with the thought that our love will take us through the toughest times. Love and trust are the most important ingredients in a relationship. We had both. Nothing else mattered.

Now, 3 kids and a million arguments later, I can honestly say that nothing could have prepared me for what came after I do. Don't get me wrong. I am happily married and hope to be this way for the rest of my years. But now more than ever, I know that love alone does not make a marriage.

While it is true that no two marriages are alike, I am hoping that anyone who reads this blog will take away something from it that will make the journey less unpredictable.